Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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