Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just found a bag of teeth...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
