I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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