I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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