Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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