I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
