You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The struggles of a small town man whore
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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