I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
