someone threw a dead crab at me
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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