WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Life is so much better after having sex.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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