allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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