gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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