nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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