: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
