Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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