Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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