Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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