never play flip cup with pint glasses
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
