I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
