The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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