so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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