ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
