update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
