I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
