i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
