You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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