how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
