alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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