seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize