If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize