I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
