I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
