I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
