considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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