Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
