Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize