I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
