Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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