The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
