I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All I want is dick and wine.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
