i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
