so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
