remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
40s are totally the cure
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
