no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
