I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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