i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
