also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
