My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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