yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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