i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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