I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
