Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
