It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
