I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
