so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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