Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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