i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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