Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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