she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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