if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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