Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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