We named our party play list daddy issues
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
